Hey, Honey! Suppose We Dyed the Dog Pink, Green, Blue and Yellow?

Every year after the televised Westminster Kennel Club dog show, my cousin Dianne and I review the results.

We like it more when big old shaggy dogs win, like Josh the Newfoundland, and less when the winner is one of those dogs you carry around in your purse.

But no matter what dog takes Best in Show, we consider it a good year when the winner is not a topiary poodle.

You know the look: shaved to a buzzcut around the hindquarters and then so fluffed and teased everywhere else that it looks like it belongs in an estate garden with water shooting out of its mouth into a koi pond.

It’s not the poodle’s fault. Poodles are fine dogs. Smart, too. At a certain point the topiary models just stop looking like, you know, dogs.

Image for post
Image for post

Little did we know that’s just the tip of the overdecorated dog iceberg.

Well Groomed, an HBO Sports special that premieres Tuesday at 9 p.m. ET, dives in the world of serious dog grooming, meaning not the kind where Rover gets a bath and then get toweled off.

Grooming in this world means turning your dog into a walking Easter Egg, with teased and sculpted hair dyed with a rainbow of colors so bright you’re surprised all the groomers don’t wear protective eyegear.

Image for post
Image for post

As the three featured groomers here explain, the goal is to use your dog as a canvas on which to create a vision. Some dogs become lions. Some become pandas. Some become dinosaurs. Some just seem to become a grownup’s version of unicorns, a rainbow of sparkling colors.

Did we say sparkling? Yep, glitter and rhinestones are involved here as well.

Well Groomed follows its three groomers in the runup to the annual Grooming show in Hershey, Pa., which is the Super Bowl of the field.

Image for post
Image for post

These competitors have the same deep commitment as people who raise dogs for Westminster and other shows where the dogs are presented in their natural colors. They do just as much weekend traveling. They do even more conceptualizing.

And in the end they deliver dogs that, well, put it this way, if you see one on the street, you will stop. A few birds in the Amazon rainforest could compete with these dogs for color brilliance, but otherwise, very little that’s found in nature resembles a poodle dyed and groomed to resemble a butterfly.

Image for post
Image for post

The documentary includes a brief segment from a television show where serious groomers respond to audience questions that often start with some variation on “How could you do this to a dog?”

They respond that they aren’t doing it “to” the dog, that the dog is fine with it. Look, they say, the dog is wagging its tail. It’s happy. It seems completely unbothered that it looks like a four-legged supersize box of Crayola crayons.

Absent any verbal input from the dogs themselves, this isn’t an unreasonable answer. The most heartening aspect of Well Groomed is that the dogs — mostly, but not all poodles — behave like dogs. They bound around, they jump up and lick people’s faces.

Image for post
Image for post

In grooming or show mode, of course, they stand still while people work on them or poke at them. They tolerate this patiently. When it’s over and they’re home, they leap up onto the furniture.

In this context, that’s a good sign.

But then, we don’t really know what dogs think — which, some folks have suggested, is a major reason we like them so much. If dogs had Instagram, would the pink-and-purple poodles get teased and bullied? We have no idea. While the groomers say some dogs are more amenable than others to all this decorating, humans still drive the bus.

There’s a modest rubbernecking appeal to Well Groomed, the same kind there is with documentaries on, say, people who seriously collect Elvis Presley memorabilia or Hummel figures. Most of us are fascinated with this level of devotion to something we consider a little less absorbing.

Image for post
Image for post

To be fair, all the groomers here seem like perfectly nice people. They love the animals, which is a great start, and if this is how they want to spend their time and money, that’s their call.

The most valid point raised by questioners on the TV show is whether the groomers are doing this to showcase the dogs or themselves. The answer is probably some of both, but the viewer comes away from Well Groomed conceding that even if this is slightly troubling, it also seems largely harmless.

It’s also optional. Those of us who prefer dogs in their native colors don’t have to go to Hershey this September for the 2020 grooming show.

I don’t think I will. I don’t think Dianne will, either. But the organizers are expecting around 5,000 people, who will get the canine version of the Northern Lights.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store